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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 29, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PDT

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♪ you got a new fool? ha, i like it like that ♪ ♪ i have only one burning desire ♪ ♪ let me stand next to your fire. ♪ >> march 28, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the "daily show." what a show we have for you tonight. we arb, to scus o discuss his new book "pakistan on the brink." i'm not going to talk about that. what i want to talk to you about
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tonight-- ( laughter ) is my best friend. come out out here, just-- hello. the cheeseburger. so savory and delicious. yes, you are. never let me down. a companion on cold lonely nights since we were kids together, or individuals like it. i just love them so much. you're the only one who will never let me down. >> a whistleblower has come forward to tell consumers about the ground beef a lot of us buy at the supermarket. >> 70% of the ground beef we buy at the supermarket contains something he calls "pink slime" beef trimmings that were once used only in dog food and cooking oil, now sprayed with ammonia to make them safe to eat. >> the first lady can fill up,
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up to 15% of every ground beef patty in the u.s ( laughter ) >> jon: mother ( bleep ). how could you! you told me you were all beef! filled with some pink slime ammonia goop? that is the last thing i want mixed up in my mulched up cow corpse. i'm so mad at you! ( laughter ) of course any food can be disgusting if you take its ingredients out of context. lips and anuses sound gross in our hot dogs, but we love them in our porn. ( laughter ) my point is this-- maybe-- maybe it's okay. let's get the whole story. >> here's how it's done. those waste trimmings are gathered, simmer at low heat to make it easier to separate fat from muscle, put in a centrifuge, and spun to finish
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the separation. >> jon: mmm! just like mom used to separate. what's the rest of this delicious secret recipe? >> next, the mixture is sent through pipe where's it's sprayed with ammonia gas to kill bacteria. and finally compressed into bricks and flash frozen for shipment to meat packers and grocery stores, where it's added to most ground beef. ( laughter ). >> jon: you know what's crazy about that animation? that exactly mirrors my digestive process. ( laughter ) right-- right down to the pink bricks. sure-- sure wish i could figure out a way to cut the corners out of those. ( laughter ). ( applause ) by the way, you're telling me that we've got an entire supply of meat bricks, and we're using them to cut the purity of our
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hamburgers? how are we not building meat houses with those? actual mcmansions. ( laughter ) we could solve our hunger and homeless problems at the same time. so how is it one of our most popular foods has been filled with ammonia-spritzed pink slime and we just found out about it? let me guess-- the beef industry doesn't call it pink slime. >> the official term is "lean, finely texted beef." >> jon: oh! finely textured beef! well done, beef p.r. team. makes it sound like something rich beef eaters can buy from hammacher schlemmer. it's the cashmere of beef. bovine velvet, johnnie walker ping, if you will. now the world is aware that lean finely texted beef is ammonia
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soaked centrifuged separated by-product paste. >> store after store dropped it, including the nation's largest chains, croegs. >> taco bell pulled the pink slime. >> mcdonald's announced it's no longer using the controversial beef. >> jon: mcdonald's walked away from it? ( laughter ) mcdonald's doesn't think it's an appropriate thing to eat? said the people who molded a pork disk into a rib-shaped sandwich, that contains no ribs. ( laughter ) nobody knows how they did it. but this stuff, spirchg slime, that's too fake for mcdonald's. ( laughter ) >> in a corporate statement, mcdonald's said, "the decision was not related to any particular event." ( laughter ). >> jon: bull ( bleep )! you got rid of it because we
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found out it was pink slime. oh, it was a coincidence, just like, you know, that diet pill from the eigh 80s, and they chad it-- every product has some filler. for example, the u.s.d.a. allows me to market this as a comedy show but any effort will include 15% of finely texted product. grounded up jokes, swear words. oh, we're good. we're smart people, though. we can figure this out. what can we do? what can we do? ah! i've got it. pink slime is aallowed to make up 15% of our ground beef product so maybe we could have our burgers be 100% beef but just 15% smaller.
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yeah. i'm just spitballing here, which, by the way, is about 7% of most burgers. let's just cut out the pink slime. a win-win-win-win. >> the makeerce of the meat filler known as ping slime has suspended operations at all but one of its plant. >> 200 people will lose their jobs at three plant. >> jon: we're a pink slime-based economy. ( laughter ). so by not putting pink slime in my kids' mouths, i'm taking slime out of the mouths of kids trying to put slime on their family's table. guilty and nauseous. well played, meat industry, well employeed. >> joooon! >> jon: this could be a whole new start for america. maybe we should go macrobiotic, organic, locally raised grass fed cattle raised from family
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farm, not factories, no pink slime. >> jooon, i know you still want me, pink slime and all. >> jon: no, i can't give in to your mechanically separated meat pulp. >> i'm finely texted. >> jon: you're a jerk and a liar! >> look at me. >> jon: i deserve fresh, grade-a, ammonia free-- >> goddamn it, johnny, i'm your best friend! don't you walk away from me! we belong together! ( applause ) >> jon: you know what? i can't stay mad at you. ( laughter ) you know what, buddy? you've been so good. i'm ready to-. >> aahhhh! yeah! ( laughter )
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>> jon: too much. >> feels right, doesn't it, jon, huh? ( laughter ) your mouth too full to respond? i'll give you a second. now use your show to tell the world -- >> stephen: no, i don't think i should do that. no! why would you do that? >> you can and you will! >> jon: all right, i will! pink slime. face it, it's really no worse than ( bleep ) you already eat. >> that's my guy! >> jon: thank you. we'll be right back. ( applause )
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>> jon: welcome back! we turn now to president obama, president obama who spent monday on a soooul trip! i'm sorry, i'm being told it's a trip to seoul, south korea. my bad. there, apparently, the president met with other world leaders to talk about arms control and to perform with the world leader tabernacle choir. but you know this is how tough it is to be president. even something as simple as a high steaks nuclear disarmament,
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can be fraught with domestic political peril >> jon: hot mic! mr. president, we can hear you capitulating to the russians. although, on the plus side, medvedev no longer that's transmit that's information to vladimir. ( laughter ) it's on the tv. can we hear him say that again? >> jon: i transmit this information to vladimir. that is a sentence that should only be spoken into a shoe phone. ( laughter ). i mean, i know it's not necessarily sinister, but it really does sound pretty ( bleep ) sinister, doesn't is it? "i transmit this information to
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vladimir." give me that again. all he's really saying is, all right, i'll tell him. but when it comes out with a little russian sauce on it "i will transmit this information to vladimir." i wonder if russia has been our enemy for so many years because everything they say sounds evil. we would go, "hey, man, is dinner ready?" and in russian it would be, "has the borschht been preparedded for dinner? i can't believe it's not butter. the authorities insist it is not butter, but, my life experience tells me otherwise. now, i'm sure republicans are going to say that the president's gaffe was sinister. but i really feel it's more sad and vaguely pathetic. here's the president explaining what he meant in this "caught on live mic" moment. >> i want to reduce our nuclear stockpiles. frankly, the current environment is not conducive to those kinds
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of thoughtful cltations. i think we'll do better in 2013. >> jon: i'd like to reduce the nuclear stockpiles but my hands are tied until i'm done with the, you know,... i got to act like an idiot until i get my second term and then i can do the good things. between the length of our nominating process and the run-up to midterm elections and postelections and lame duck sessions, which probably only a quadrennial three-week window where the conditions are perfect to get something ( bleep ) done anyway. i hope it doesn't snow during those weeks. the whole tiptoeing around the election season must sound ridiculous to medvedev and putin. i wonder what that will sound like in russian
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twizzlers. the twist you can't resist.
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(sfx: car garage sounds) today my journey brings me to charlotte, north carolina, where i spent the day with geico driver casey mears. i told him the secret to saving money on car insurance. he told me the secret to his car setup.
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first he adjusts... first he adjusts... (sfx:engine revving drowns out gecko's dialogue) then he... then he... (sfx:loud drilling noise continues to drown out gecko's dialogue) ...and a quarter cup of pineapple juice. or was that the secret to his barbecue sauce? hey, "secret" sauce. geico®. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight pakistan journalist, a bestseller author whose new book is called "pakistan on the bring, the future of america, pakistan and afghanistan." please welcome to the show, ahmed rashid. ( applause ) first of all, let me tell you it's an honor to have you on the program. you're a wonderful journalist and writer and a good man and it's nice to see you. the book is called "pakistan on the brifng, the future of
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america, pakistan, and afghanistan." i must, first of all, say i'm so pleased that you think there might be a future. ( laughter ). what is your sense of that-- of that tortured relationship now? is it repairable? are weo we all going to go into our separate corners? >> no, it is repairable, simply because the u.s. needs pakistan for its withdrawal from afghanistan. pakistan has to help the u.s. strike eye deal with the taliban, karachi port is the main port of exit for u.s. vehicles and containers and et cetera. pakistan needs a relationship with the u.s. the last five months, we've had no relationship, and all the indicators have swung down-- aid flows have stopped. development aid has stopped. nobody will talk to us because nobody-- everybody wants us to have a relationship with the united states.
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so i hope now it will get back on track. >> jon: you said something very interesting-- we desperately need pakistan not just for the strategic implications because the leadership of the taliban live in pakistan. and that's the thing for americans i think we go, "wait, say that again? what?" after reading the book it became clear. there are two talibans-- an afghan taliban and a pakistani taliban. the pakistanis are cooperating with the afghan taliban but not their own taliban. is that correct? >> the pakistani-- after 9/11, after the we're ended, most of the taliban who survived the american invasion escaped into pakistan and set up shop there and then relaunched their attacks into afghanistan in 2003, 2004. and helping them were pakistani tribessed men who had been paid by them, who were providing them with body guard guards and conts who bring in ammunition and all the rest of it.
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and these pakistani taliban then became a-- demanded they had an agenda which was to destroy the pakistan government. and also help the afghan brothers fight the americans. so they were fighting on two fronts, as it were. >> jon: so pakistan is fighting the taliban, and supporting and replenishing the taliban. >> this is the very complicated situation. >> jon: it sounds very complicated. >> pakistan is essentially fighting its pakistani taliban, its own taliban, because these taliban want to overthrow the whole system. but they're giving a sense to the afghan taliban, allowing them to cross the border, going to afghanistan, and attack afghanistan. >> jon: don't they think at some point the afghan taliban, once they get stronger, will turn to the pakistani taliban and go, "did you know we both have the same last name?" ( laughter ) "perhaps we should get together and create talibansylvainia."
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do they believe-- is there fear of india-- which is i assume the reason why they're trying to quietly support afghan taliban. >> yeah. >> jon: overwhelming or blinding them to some extent to the danger that strengthening this new taliban regime has created? >> partly it is. you know, india has established itself extremely strongly in afghanistan, which creates enormous doubts and mistrust with the pakistan military. and so that's one reason, but i think, also, there's a sense of being able to keep the pressure on the americans and as they enter the end game, to basically be able to tell the world, look, the taliban are all sitting with us. we need to-- we have to play a major role in the final settlement in afghanistan. >> jon: let's get to our role in that, which is the next step. other than late-night raids and
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hellfire missiles from the sky, why is america so disrespected in that part of the world, other than-- other than drones that you cannot see or hear dropping fire from the sky? >> well, you said it, jon. i mean-- ( laughter ) >> jon: i was merely describing-- >> you answered the question. no, i mean, the u.s. came in with all sorts of promises to rebuild the country, and what the afghans saw was after two, three years, the u.s. took all their money and troops went & went off to iraq to fight another war and afghanistan was left hanging. obama came in and announced a surge. this surge should have happened perhaps two, three years earlier. and the surge was not just more troops. it was also civilian experts would come in and help the economy and do the kind of nation building, which is an off word in washingtonue can't use the word "nation building."
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but essentially that's what it was. but today, 10 years on, this war has been going on, what worries me most of all in afghanistan is there is no indigenous economy. the americans have not been able to build a local economy. all these afghans are working for the troops. now, what happens when the troops leave? you lose your job? and what do you do then? there's nothing to do. >> jon: the hope is you're afghanistan, someone else will invade you, and you can work for them? ( laughter ) here's how crazy and convoluted it is. i was over there just for a few days so i think i'm pretty much of an expert. ( laughter ). so i was talking to some of the troops. there are these giant fields of opium, and he said it's the harvest time. what's going to happen is they're going to get the money from that and that's going to start fighting season because that's when the money will go back into pakistan. the weapons and troops are going to use that money to come back in and start fighting american troops. i said why don't you just light those fields on fire and there will be no opium?
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that's their economy so we're going acre by acre and switching it over to soybeans. and i just thought we're in a lot of trouble here. i was-- i was stunned by the patience of the american military within that which i thought showed restraint. but also, just how complex the economies of the area are tied into the wars. >> because there has not been sufficient rebillion of the country, investment in agriculture, water, roads, new seeds, new crops. because that has been missing, opium, of course, gives you the biggest return. it doesn't need any infrastructure. it doesn't need water. it doesn't need fertilizer. it doesn't need anything. now, there has been a huge effort in the last couple of years to reduce opium production. and that has been successful. but what i fear is that once the americans leave and there's no economy, everybody will go back to producing opium again because what else is there to produce? the soybeans that they are being asked to produce come with
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subsidy, with american help. but that will all go. so the real crisis will be after the americans leave, what kind of economy are the americans or the nato going to leave behind to sustain 30 million people? >> jon: do you have five minute to stick around? we're going to go to a commercial and come back with another quick segment. we'll talk about sort of that bind of leaving and going. it's called "pakistan on the brink." it's on the shelves now. ahmed rashid. please pick it up. we'll be right bac having one of those days?
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